I don't like growing old

i know that so far we've had a very happy blog. everyone's entertained by dai's photos and all. but i've got to write. i don't like growing old. as you grow older, you just get lonelier. you do things by yourself. sometimes, i am able to grasp the concept of enjoying your alone time. but at times, it gets quite bad. i have 'friends' in school i guess. we go to class together, we make plans to have dinner together because we stay in hall together. but other than that. i do not feel close to them. but i love them dearly still. i still do. why is it that as we grow older it just becomes so much more difficult to make good friends with people?

and it's always easier with your a beautiful person. you don't need to try to make friends with people. rather people come up and want to make friends with you. it is very tiring going through my sad phases like that. at times when i am upset, even finding friends to hang out with seems unable to save me. it's alright when i have company but sometimes it seems trivial. and then once i leave them. the sadness just sinks in again.

my friend said dont think about being lonely because it makes you even sadder. but what else am i supposed to think of? when i'm constantly engulfed in this state of loneliness?

i envy people who know what they want. but they know what they want now.. how are they going to know what they want in the future? is what u want now still going to be what you want in 20 years time? and then 20 years later, i'm going to think i made the damn wrong fucked up choice long ago. then what? but you're stuck by then aren't you? well. unless you're a millionaire that is. then you have no worries about doing whatever you want.

sometimes i want a life where i can just pursue whatever interest i want whenever i want. now i want to dance. and i do that now. 10 years later i might be interested in sailing. and off i go to buy a yatch and sail around the world. 10 years later, things might change again. and then i can just pursue it. but to that i'm going to need lots of money i assume. but since i am not born with a damn huge silver spoon in my mouth, i do not have the ability to do whatever i want. and if i really want to do whatevre, i will need to work very hard to earn the millions. and then i will have to take on a job i hate, but earns me the money. and by the time i make my millions, i would be too old and pathetic to be able to spend it. so what's the point of making the fuck loads of money? but reality corrodes dreams anyway, and as we grow older the more we have to face up to it.. that's why i don't want to grow old. or i can grow old and not care anyway. but that'd be irresponsible. see. no matter what. practicality takes over our worlds! we are all meant to be miserable and pathetic. it is the ultimate emotion humans are tuned in to. sure! live your life to the fullest i say!